Have you ever thought about letting yourself be self-centered?
If this made you gasp, you’re not alone; we’re conditioned to believe that being self-centered is selfish, that it means we’re blind to others’ needs, and that everyone we care about will suffer if we focus too much on ourselves.
A self-centered life doesn’t mean you don’t care about others! Rather, it means guiding your decisions by self-awareness, self-respect, and a mission to give yourself everything you’ve hoped other others would give you. This healthy dose of self-centeredness allows you to show up for others in ways that make you proud and fulfilled rather than resentful and burned out. It reduces the chances for disappointment when people fail to meet your expectations because then anything positive that others bring you is a bonus, and any negativity can be stamped “return to sender!”
Chelsea Handler suggests the best way to practice healthy self-centeredness is to pursue a life of “unadulterated joy.” What does that phrase even mean though?! The Oxford Dictionary defines unadulterated as “not mixed or diluted with any different or extra elements; complete and absolute.”
Well who DOESN’T dream of a life centered on absolute joy?! Let’s be real though: when you’re in the throes of adulting, a life of “absolute, undiluted joy” sounds like an obnoxious, unattainable pipe dream that only leaves us feeling like failures if joy is always slightly out of our grasp. Let’s start by getting clear about what this whole “joy” business really is.
The kind of unadulterated joy I’m talking about is very different than the toxic positivity of the “Good Vibes Only” merch that adorns the shelves of just about every store these days. When life is difficult, it’s important to embrace the full range of our big feelings and not push them away with a masked smile that hides our deeper pain.
What if, instead of thinking of joy as an emotion, we think of it as more of a steady, consistent mentality; one that allows for the ups and downs of life, regardless of the circumstances that shift the wide spectrum of our very valid feelings.
One of the many things my daughter teaches me is that the best way to access joy is through creativity. But what happened to that dear old friend of mine? It boils down to 3 common excuses and 3 legitimate barriers that block creativity. Admittedly, 10 years into parenthood, I realized it’s time to stop ignoring the science-backed mental health benefits of creativity, and to start reintroducing that old friend back into my life.
The first step is understanding what gets in the way:
3 Common BS Excuses that Block Creativity:
“I’m not ‘a creative’”
Here’s a secret: EVERYONE is born a creative, and then it gets conditioned out of us.
Lean into your playfulness and let go of perfection! There’s so much freedom in giving up the desire to make an awe-inspiring end-product. When we stop taking ourselves so seriously, we can shift from a life of surviving to thriving.“Creativity is a privileged luxury!”
Have you ever noticed that some of the most privileged people seem to be having the least fun? Creativity doesn’t need to cost money or take up a lot of your valuable time. Speaking of which…“Get real! I don’t have time in my life for creativity!”
Creativity doesn’t need to be time-consuming. You do not need to carve out an hour each day for it! Try micro doses: journal for a few minutes at the end of each day, doodle on a piece of scrap paper, rock out in the car with a drum solo to your favorite song! When you do, take note of how you feel before, during and after.
3 Legitimate Barriers to Creativity:
Survival Mode:
When you’re in survival mode, it’s honestly not realistic to do anything more than fill the basic needs. For example, are you a sleep-deprived parent of a newborn? Are you undergoing major medical treatment? The primary caretaker for an aging parent or a solo parent working multiple jobs?
If you’re in any type of survival mode right now, just remember that your “creative time” is simply any moment of quiet rest. Yes—rest is an essential component of everyone’s creative process. It’s the white space that allows your eye to notice everything else. It’s the quick glimmers of peace that allow you to remember who you are outside of your many roles in life. Even pausing for 2 minutes to notice a small miracle in nature can spark your creativity, so take notice of what’s captivating the wonder of the toddlers and the dogs out there.I have other ways I want to spend my limited “me time”:
When the competing demands of adulting have taken over, filling your own creative bucket is usually the last thing you’re going to prioritize. If you feel tapped out on your fill of finger paints and imaginary play, you probably think your own creative juice box is beyond depleted!To clarify: I’m not talking about the time spent with a kid on their art projects—that’s important too, in different ways. I’m talking about carving out time for your own individual creativity. For many years, I felt like the “Assistant to the Creative” in my home, but now that my daughter is 10, we actively create opportunities for parallel, individual artistic expression on a regular basis.
I can already hear you scoffing: “Are you kidding me? You’re telling me to take time for my own creativity?! As it is, I’m already juggling too many things!”
Hear me out. This was my mentality for most of my adult life, because the third obstacle that gets in the way of unadulterated joy:3. Creativity is Culturally Undervalued:
As a society, we’ve done a very poor job of encouraging people (especially moms) to do things simply for the enjoyment of it. We’re given the message that fun and creativity are frivolous luxuries especially in a world so rife with conflict, struggle and sorrow. It’s awarded only to children, the privileged, and maybe to ourselves when we’re on an occasional vacation (no wonder there’s immense pressure to make the most of those rare getaways)!There’s an underlying cultural current that time is money and therefore cannot be “wasted” on frivolous fun or creativity. From a young age, we’re hammered over the head with the misnomer that we Must. Always. Be. Productive!
“If it’s not a source of income, then why even bother?!” I’ll tell you exactly why:
Let’s stop thinking of creativity as a luxury privilege that we add into our lives when we have “spare time” (that’s not a thing)! Creativity deserves to be valued again because it makes us better humans—not because we’re creating beautiful things on the outside, but because of what it does to us on the inside, which then radiates outward.
3 Mental Health Benefits of Creativity:
COMPASSION
Circling back to the reframed idea of a “self-centered” life, creativity helps us show up for the people we care most about in ways that enhances their lives. How is this possible?Picture a time when you were proud of the way you showed up wholeheartedly for someone you care about. Were you coming from a place of obligation and resentment, or from a place of generosity, love, and joy? When your own bucket is filled, you have more space to share the gifts of your compassion with others.
One of the best ways to fill your bucket is to tap into your own inner child—not for the expectation of making money, or even making something beautiful that your guests will admire on your dining room wall—simply for the fun of it!
When you think about carving out time for creativity, do you start to feel the waves of guilt pull you under? Me too. I often feel like I’m riding the struggle bus of mom guilt! In those moments, I remind myself that “unadulterated” joy and creativity not only helps ME, but it helps others too.I’m reminded of former pastor, turned author and professor, Rev. Barbara Brown Taylor who was embarrassed to talk about how much she loves making wind chimes. The interviewer reminded her that perhaps the world doesn’t need more wind chimes, but if it brings you joy to create them, keep at it because the world most certainly needs more joy!
CONFIDENCE
Imagine a child you know in a state of pure joy. Picture them doing something creative, expressing themselves freely with as little instruction as possible. They’re probably making a huge mess, but that look on their face makes you momentarily forget about the future cleanup process. They’re probably not creating the next “Starry Night” and that’s not even the point! The point is the joy they feel in getting to be themselves. The mess is kind of fun for them too.
Now picture that child all grown up. What do you want their adult life to look like? My guess is you want them to be stable, secure, happy, and healthy. What does it mean to be happy—I mean truly happy?I’m not suggesting that the life of a starving artist is happiness; far from it! I AM suggesting the true hope could be that today’s children will evolve into responsible, contributing adults in this world, and ALSO hold onto a bit of their inner child.
When I think of the life I dream of for my daughter when she grows up, it’s filled with the laughter, creativity, and joy that I see in her today when she’s free to be herself. So if I want that for her when she’s my age, why wouldn’t I also want that for myself? The best way to ensure she gives her future self that permission is for me to lead by this example today.
“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.”― James Baldwin
I want to model the kind of life where adulting isn’t JUST about the responsibilities, the hard or mundane things, and it doesn’t require putting my playful, “childish” desires on a dusty old shelf in the attic of distant memories.
What if we all start flipping the negative connotation with being childish? What does it even mean to be childish? Children play and create without caring what others might think. I’ll take more of that, please!
Kids slowly learn to judge themselves and others, and then they’re praised for their maturity, their accomplishments, and the seriousness required to succeed in the rigor of this demanding world. Adulting is HARD, people! It’s a little easier when we give ourselves permission to nurture our playful side and remember that we don’t have to take ourselves so seriously ALL the time.
Imagine a conversation with your significant other, child, parent, or best friend, and you tell them:
“I’m taking time to go do something playful and creative, simply because I deserve it!”
Saying this out loud might be CRINGE, but it’ll also boost your confidence because you’re telling yourself that you are inherently worth it. That you deserve this time simply because. Period. You’re also telling whoever is listening that they, too, are worth taking time for themselves for creative expression.
What’s the worst that could happen if you invite your inner child to come out and play again?
What’s the best that could happen?DECISION-MAKING
There’s something magical about the creative process that can unlock a subconscious awareness; it gets us out of our heads, which is where we usually are when we talk to our friends, family, coworkers, and even to ourselves.
If you’re anything like me, often overthinking and overanalyzing everything you say, do (or don’t do), you might also have a constant dialogue running in your head with the loud, persistent voice of your very opinionated, judgmental inner critic.“Most of my mental world was underneath my conscious awareness and driven by my subconscious mind, which steers up to 95 percent of our habitual thoughts, emotions, reactions.” Dr. Nicole LePera, How to Be the Love You Seek
Noticing that critical voice and recognizing it as separate from you is the first step toward living the life of your own design. This creates an invitation for the deeper voice of your intuition—an internal compass that you can use for decision-making that aligns with your personal values.
The best way to access that subconscious part of yourself is through creativity! What has your inner child been longing to say? Don’t let fear get in the way of finding out the answer to that question. You have something important to express; it’s waiting just below the surface, hoping that you’ll give it a voice.
So please, no more excuses! Are you ready to play and explore again?
I can’t wait to see what you all create. Truly—please share with me! Read to the bottom of this post to see a few of my creations!
Stay tuned for a related article that will be published over at Seacoast Moms where I’m a new contributing writer! It’ll include 6 Tips to Jumpstart Your Creativity, and 10 Creative Modalities to Explore in the Seacoast.
In the meantime, here are some options to help you get out there and express yourself creatively from the comfort of your own home:
Destruction as a form of creation
Sometimes the best place to start creating is to let out whatever has been getting in the way—maybe that means finding a safe way to smash some shit! Go buy yourself a pinata and let the neighborhood kids watch you go to town on it!Dance:
Have a dance party in your kitchen to your favorite tunes!Drawing:
DrawTogether with WendyMacWriting:
Virtual Writing WorkshopsWoodworking:
Woodworking Masterclasses with Paul SellersFor virtually every modality your creative heart could desire, check out Master Class or even some free YouTube channels in modalities such as:
Performing arts
Floral arranging
Photography
Other visual arts
Metal-working
Pottery
Textile arts (Knitting, crocheting, sewing, etc.)
Interior decorating
Music
Naps (Yes, NAPS)!
As I mentioned previously, rest is an essential component of everyone’s creative process!
Additional Resources:
Watch the new movie, IF (Imaginary Friend)
From the imagination of John Krasinski (and his kids) comes a fun reminder of the importance of reconnecting with our inner child once we grow up and realize we miss the way we used to engage with the world with the wonder and creativity we once did before life told us to "get serious."Get your Permission Slip for creativity in Find Your Unicorn Space: Reclaim Your Creative Life in a Too-Busy World by Eve Rodsky
In the spirit of sharing, here are 2 of my creations:
![](https://substackcdn.com/image/fetch/w_1456,c_limit,f_auto,q_auto:good,fl_progressive:steep/https%3A%2F%2Fsubstack-post-media.s3.amazonaws.com%2Fpublic%2Fimages%2Fe94d1696-bfc1-46d2-8c16-0e586ebf97dd_1765x1355.jpeg)
Read more about this collaborative creation that was possible when I started to let creativity back into my life, and how the process helped me to both overcome a lifelong fear and connect with my grandmother 10 years after her death.