It’s the most wonderful time of the year?
With the kids jingle belling (QUIET!) and everyone telling you "Be of good cheer!” (REALLY?!)
Who are we kidding?!? With an influx of more devastating world news each day, it’s not always easy to be of good cheer.
Yesterday, a social justice thought leader I respect and follow on social media posted:
“I do not believe, as a dancing-tinsel Paperless Post recently told me, it is more important than ever to be joyful. I believe it is more important than ever to be furious and intensely focused on the wellbeing of the people around us…”
I’m not so sure I agree about the first point, so I commented to her post:
“I’ve been feeling the same way, and struggling to find joy this holiday season. I get what you’re saying…but I also think it’s important not to make people feel guilty for finding glimmers of joy amidst our fury. It can be an AND situation. Depriving ourselves of joy, gratitude and awe doesn’t help alleviate the atrocities against humanity.”
I do agree that we should focus on each other’s wellbeing. I also believe we should remain both furious AND joyful.
So today, I’m sharing 8 strategies—with practical tips & resources within each one—that I’m personally using to balance my heartbreak for humanity and the stress of the holiday season with intentional daily glimmers of joy.
As it is, there’s always SO much to get done this time of year that I find it challenging to stay focused on the true meaning of the season. The more I talk openly with other people about this, the more I’m hearing that stress is, in fact, the most common feeling right now.
My holiday list includes:
Gift shopping and wrapping.
Delegating remaining wish list items to other generous family members.
Designing, ordering, addressing and mailing holiday cards.
Buying and distributing food, toy, and clothes donations.
Decorating our house inside and out, coordinating the letter from Santa, the Christmas Pageant performance, coordinating a caroling event for the elderly, attending festive events, cheering on friends in their Nutcracker performance, bringing a group of 4th graders to a local theater performance, ice skating, gingerbread making, candy cane elfing (ask me more about this fun tradition!), watching “Elf" at the movie theater, Elf on the friggin shelf, coordinating the holiday schedule with friends & family, baking cookies, meal planning, food shopping, cooking, more cookie baking, more wrapping, last minute gifts, stocking stuffers, pressure to make this year more magical than ever for our 9 year old who still very much believes and trying to stay 10 steps ahead of the questions…deep breath!
The list goes on and on, and of course, we all do this on top of the regular everyday never ending task list.
Oh hi, heart palpitations!
I always want more than anything to keep it simple and focus on the true meaning of Christmas and to also prioritize my own self-care, but then I struggle to put that into practice because that often just feels like yet another task to add to my already overwhelming list.
Dr. Pooja Lakshmin reminds us that REAL self-care isn’t even about bubble baths, yoga classes, massages, or getting your hair and nails done (as much as I do love all of those things); it’s about disrupting the broken systems that create all of the stress in the first place, and rebuilding a new, healthier system that works better for us all.
The holiday season seems like a prime example of a broken system that has strayed so far from its origins that it’s become a mass production line of stress, broken dreams, failed expectations, and disconnection. So what better time to disrupt this production line and try out some new approaches?
8 strategies I’m finding helpful this year:
“Good enough is MORE than enough!”
Simplify
Cultivate small and frequent moments of awe each day
Be generous…with yourself!
Space things out
Remember, it’s not about any of the THINGS!
Focus on the light!
Curate, design, and build it!
Keep reading for some tangible suggestions to put these ideals into practice!
The more you try these strategies and model them for other people, the more we can all start to prioritize what really matters into our everyday lives.
1. “Good enough is MORE than enough!”
GASP! Am I telling you to settle for status quo?
No, but this holiday season, and going into the new year, I encourage you to put your perfectionist, maximizer self on the shelf with that mischievous little elf. That little elf could teach your perfectionist side a thing or two about how to be more playful and joyful, and how to worry less about cleaning up the literal and figurative messes.
For more on this idea, check out these resources:
“Whilst a maximizing approach might seem an optimal approach to decision-making, our energy may be better spent satisficing and appreciating what we have, rather than what we might have had.”
Why aiming for the best isn't always good for you (Adam Grant w/ Barry Schwartz and Coco Krumme) - ReThinking
“…one of the things that happens if you're a maximizer is that your standards keep going up…And there's no room for pleasant surprises. You know, things can't be better than you expect them to be because you expect everything to be perfect.” -Barry Schwartz
Reclaim The Holidays For YOU (goodinside.com - with Dr. Becky and Priya Parker)
Great tips for creating and maintaining boundaries and meaningful moments throughout the season.
2. Simplify!
Give yourself permission to take some things off your list and make room for FUN.
If you have a list like mine, look it over and ask yourself:
Which of those things fill you with dreaded obligation rather than joyful anticipation?
Which of the dreaded tasks can you delegate to someone else or even take them off your list altogether?
What’s the worst that will happen if you do?
What’s the BEST that might happen if you do? Remember, everything you say “no” to allows you to say “yes” to something else.
Break your list into 2 columns: all the things you (think you) need to do and all the things you want to do. How can you prioritize the things that you want to do and let go or restructure some of the dreaded things?
3. Cultivate small and frequent moments of awe each day
Trust the science! Research has found irrefutable connections between gratitude and wellbeing. The best way to build gratitude is simply to notice the beauty in the small, seemingly ordinary things we easily take for granted.
Recommended resources:
Adding Awe Walks to Your Day Could Improve Your Mood (realsimple.com article)
Enchantment: Awakening Wonder in an Anxious Age by Katherine May
Noticing by Kobi Yamada, beautifully illustrated by Elise Hurst
A book for Children of ALL ages! The latest book in this brilliant series is a perfect one for the holiday season when we get so caught up in the hustle and bustle that we forget to pause and see the extraordinary in the ordinary.
What are YOU missing? Noticing by Kobi Yamada, beautifully illustrated by Elise Hurst
4. Be generous…with yourself!
MAKE time for yourself each day. Don’t “find” the time—it’ll only continue to play hide and seek. So be intentional and pursue it actively.
Some tangible ways you can put this into practice:
Learn from the waves:
Thanks to Rev. Marlayna Schmidt at the Hampton FCC who gave the congregation a homework assignment to go to the beach and watch the waves this week. The waves are like the mistakes we all inevitably make; some are bigger than others but they all crash, come into shore, and are then swept right back out to sea.
Try sitting quietly with the waves (even if it’s only in your imagination, or try out this virtual option from the warmth of your own home)! Let your own mistakes of the year come and go without harsh self- judgment.
Slow it down:
In an effort to fully embody the idea of slowing down this holiday season, I took the advice quite literally and did a 45-minute Peloton walk instead of my usual run. What surprised me the most was that I actually worked up more of a sweat and found it harder to do a power walk on a steep incline; it was hard work to resist the urge to go into a jog! Plus, Matty Maggiacomo never disappoints, especially on his festive, costumed workouts. He manages to make me laugh, sweat, sing AND reflect, all at the same time. Reach out if you’d like a free 60 day Peloton Guest Pass!
“It doesn’t matter who you pray to…During the holiday season what we all want more than anything is peace” -Matty Maggiacomo
Pause. Breathe.
When you notice yourself getting stressed, pause and take a breath. When plans inevitably don’t pan out the way you’d hoped—your kid isn’t as grateful as you expected, you don’t make it to ALL the festive events you optimistically jammed into the calendar—be kind and gentle with yourself and remind yourself that things can still be magical, especially if you remove the pressure of perfection.
5. Space things out as much as possible.
It doesn’t all need to happen as quickly as possible! Try out some tools like:
The classic Eisenhower Time Management Matrix
You might be familiar with this in a professional setting, so why not try it out with your personal task list?
The Fair Play System:
”Do you have too much to do? Fair Play outlines a system for how to divide up household tasks fairly, based on your needs.”
Try it out with your partner and tell the people in your family what you need from them in order to keep the season magical and bright.
Ways I’m testing out this strategy:
Talk about the “WHY” behind the traditions:
During the pandemic, we thought it would be a fun idea to create a new tradition of the 12 Books of Christmas (she opened a new book each morning for the 12 days leading up to the big day).
Of course, she’s such an avid reader that the suggestion to give up this tradition post-pandemic led to a full-on meltdown. So I asked her what she really loved most about it, and it turned out it had nothing to do with unwrapping the book! Now, instead of individually wrapping each book, she simply takes it out of the reused gift bag, and it brings her just as much joy as ever!
Plus, she agreed to select at least 12 books from her collection to put in the local Little Free Library so it’s a win-win.Gift wrapping:
I always think I’m going to wrap a few presents at a time as I buy them/as they arrive. It never happens. Cue the self-guilt!
Instead, this year I’m embracing the idea of wrapping them in bulk. The point is to do whatever works best for YOU, not specific things other well-intentioned people (including me!) tell you to do.
However you choose to complete tasks like gift wrapping, try to pair it with something that also fills you with joy. For example, my tradition has become to wrap presents while watching the cheesiest Hallmark Christmas movies even though I already know the cookie cutter plot lines. It’s perfect because I can multitask and still get the warm fuzzies from the movies.Holiday cards:
At first, I thought about dropping this from my list completely this year—it felt a bit forced and fake to say “Happy Holidays” when people (including friends here in our own country) step outside in fear for their lives each day.
Then my husband reminded me of the smiles that people have told us our cards bring them each year. So in the overstimulating, overwhelming chaos of the Black Friday/Cyber Monday deals, I designed and ordered our cards.
The box of cards arrived a week ago. I still haven’t sat down to start putting addresses on the envelopes, and normally I’d be stressing about the timeline and having some choice words with myself. But will anyone really care if the cards arrive in their mailbox closer to New Years? Doubtful!
When it comes to the cards, I’m planning to follow several pieces of my own advice:
a. I’m going to pair this task with something else that fills me with joy: festive music (more specifically, I’m going to put on the Hannah Waddingham: “Home for Christmas” special).
b. My family will divide and share this task: I’ll write out the addresses (so that the Post Office can actually read the handwriting). He’ll stuff and seal the envelopes and for the first time, we’ll enlist our daughter to (begrudgingly) adhere the stamps and address labels.
c. I’ll pause, breathe, and catch the self-criticism if (when) the cards don’t get out “on time”.
So if you receive a holiday card from me this year, I hope it not only puts a smile on your face, but it also reminds you to be kind and patient with yourself going into 2024.
6. Remember, it’s not about any of the THINGS!
Despite what they tell you…
“More joy now! Sparkly drinks, festive food, fancy outfits…”
Pro tip : These are not the things that will actually bring you joy! In fact, if your plate is already feeling full, thinking about how to up your festive food game is likely to take away from your joy. And guess what? The people who matter won’t care how fancy your outfits are or how festive your holiday feasts are.
I love these things as much as anyone, but I won’t do it at the expense of other, more important people and things on my list!
Ironically, inside the same magazine was a powerful and helpful article about ways to find true joy and awe in the small everyday moments. It’s too bad that these messages don’t seem appealing to the marketing experts behind the headlines.
Speaking of which, for some healthy marketing messages, check out some wise advice from my friend Maddie in her latest newsletter:
…try taking what works for you and leave the rest…Spending time thinking about how to live responsibly in a capitalistic society doesn’t draw simple conclusions, but focusing on your north star leads you to see past the noise and focus on what matters.” - Maddie Tudor
7. Focus on the light!
In this 20-minute Hanukkah ride with Jenn Sherman, she not only gives us permission, but she INSISTS that we keep the laughter and continue finding joy amidst the heartbreak. Because Hanukkah is about dedication. Dedication to passing down the traditions with our families, and keeping the light burning especially during the darkest of times.
Because during these difficult, dark and heavy times in the world, the best thing we can do is show up as our authentic, loving selves, and bring a little bit more light to the world.
8. Remember, you are the curator, the designer AND the builder of your own life.
Consider what you want to cultivate more of in the new year and what you want to leave behind. Why wait for next year? Start practicing this NOW using some of the practical tools and practices that I’ve offered to you today!
In the midst of the hectic holiday season, regardless of your religious beliefs, don’t forget the true meaning of Christmas is about birth, miracles, and generosity.
My wish for you this season is that you will consider what you want to birth for yourself in the new year, what do you want to leave behind, that is no longer serving you, and look for the magic all around you, because it’s there in all the little ways that are easy to ignore.
More than anything, be generous with yourself. I don’t mean buying yourself presents, although if you can do that, too great. Be generous and kind with yourself, give yourself grace when you’re feeling stressed and know that by extending generosity to yourself, you will be better able to extend it to the others in your life.
One last tip so we can help each other to break the systems of holiday stress:
Stop asking other people if they’ve completed all their shopping and other holiday tasks. Instead, share some of your own stresses (it’ll alleviate a bit of your own stress and build your genuine connections!). Then consider asking more supportive questions like:
How are YOU doing this holiday season? No really. How are you doing?
What’s bringing you joy? Or what’s something you’re genuinely looking forward to?
What’s stressing you out?
What can I do to take something off your plate? (Note: please don’t ask this if your own plate is already too full. This question applies to those of you who are reading this and might not relate to the stress of the holidays in this season of your life.)
What’s something that someone ELSE can do to clear a few things off your plate?
What are you doing to take care of yourself? (Simply asking this question can remind people that they can and should be giving themselves permission to extend themselves the same generosity that they give so freely to others.)
If all else fails…
P.S. This post originally contained a spelling error in the sub-title, which I didn’t catch until after it went out to my entire distribution list! I’m not sure what kids “JUNGLE” belling might sound like, but I imagine it would be even louder than jingle bells—once again, I’m reminded not to take myself too seriously. And all I can hope is that anyone who noticed this error got a chuckle out of it and didn’t judge me too harshly.